19 Ways To Maintain Your Insanity
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- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
- Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
- Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance WithThe Prophecy."
- Dont use any punctuation.
- As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
- Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
- Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
- Sing Along At The Opera.
- Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
- Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
- Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
- Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, 'Rock Bottom'.
- When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
- When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
- Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To TheEconomy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
HR Memo
Effective ASAP
Dress Code1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick DaysWe will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday DaysEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate LeaveThis is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Management
